SWEATSHOP ABOVE PINKBERRY – After coming under fire from campus environmental groups, the Columbia Daily Spectator has announced that it will begin recycling its used columnists. “We will be working with EcoReps to develop a sustainable way to dispose of our pre-owned writers,” said Publisher Nick Morton CC ’17. “We acknowledge the waste generated by just throwing them away, and we promise to do better.”
When asked how Spec might go about recycling hundreds of pounds of biomass spoiled by rancid opinions, Morton was optimistic. “We’ll probably sell them to Bwog, which can use them for parts.”
However, if nobody accepts the used columnists, Spec will be forced to continue “just tossing them in the dumpster on 111th.”
IN OTHER NEWS
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"