SWEATSHOP ABOVE PINKBERRY – After coming under fire from campus environmental groups, the Columbia Daily Spectator has announced that it will begin recycling its used columnists. “We will be working with EcoReps to develop a sustainable way to dispose of our pre-owned writers,” said Publisher Nick Morton CC ’17. “We acknowledge the waste generated by just throwing them away, and we promise to do better.”
When asked how Spec might go about recycling hundreds of pounds of biomass spoiled by rancid opinions, Morton was optimistic. “We’ll probably sell them to Bwog, which can use them for parts.”
However, if nobody accepts the used columnists, Spec will be forced to continue “just tossing them in the dumpster on 111th.”
IN OTHER NEWS
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."
"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."
"Coach, I get the game plan. When can we go out there and get this thing going?"
"As of press time, the research team reported they had gotten 'blitzed' off of $7 vodka and had just purchased tickets to a Dave Matthews reunion tour show."
“Honestly, after spending twenty minutes trying to find the Allen wrench I dropped under the couch, I’ve realized he was a terrible father."
6. My younger brother.
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.