LERNER HALL - The pasta station at Ferris Booth Commons came out this weekend as identity-fluid and told reporters it “just feels like an omelet bar sometimes.”
The announcement comes after years of suspicions that the station serves omelets instead of pasta in the morning.
“Sometimes I come for brunch, and the pasta bar’s not open yet,” Jacqueline Harris CC ’19 said. “I’ve seen this hot omelet stuff being put away. And it’s awkward, you know? Because you don’t want to be rude or insensitive, but at the same time, it’s like, am I the only one seeing this?”
Now that it’s out of the closet, the pasta station said it is less concerned about being seen during its daily transition period.
“It’s like I can finally show people who I really am,” the pasta station said. “There’s a lot more to me than gluten and 30-minute waits. And a lot of people might not understand my transition. But you know what? I’m okay with that. Soon enough people will realize that food groups are just a social construct.”
As of press time, the station was changing its name to the pasta, egg, marinara, pesto, meatball, alfredo, onion, garlic, green pepper, red pepper, roasted squash, mushroom, artichoke, tomato, sundried tomato, cherry tomato, spinach, broccoli, tofu, turkey, ham, bacon, chicken, peas, carrots, and corn station (PEMPMAOGGRRMATSCSBTTHBCPCC station). Asked of its preferred preparation method, the station stated that “‘omelet’ and ‘scrambled’ are too binary.
IN OTHER NEWS
“I probably should have known something was up when I entered and didn’t even check in with a human, just a slimy iPad from 2008.”
“We’re going all out to ensure that every sad boi finds his sad non-gendered partner this Valentine’s Day.”
If this journey has taught me anything, it is that I mustn't change who I am to find love with a future Goldman Sachs managing director. Instead, I must transfer to Barnard. Maybe then I’ll have a better shot.
“I’m an ally. I’m trying to create a better brand for this movement, one that better complies with established grammar rules.”
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
The snake is reportedly cash-green and vaguely slimy-looking, with an Apple watch still attached to its body.
“Robin was such a grinder,” said his roommate Tag Eisenhower CC’ 20. “For as long as I knew him he would put his body through absolute hell simply because he didn’t possess a single shred of planning or basic organization.”
He was also spotted with a few of his Lit Hum books in his backpack, a clear indication he is planning to study those too, like a massive dork.
“We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England…How could anyone still think that way after such an education?”