MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS - Anarchist Club President Stephen Somerville CC ‘17 wearily resigned from his position after an eight-hour debate with his club inferiors. “I’m a leader in rejecting hierarchical power structures,” he said, before adding: “I mean, I just don’t know how to keep these fuckers organized.” For a while, the club aimed to promote dis-organization through rallies and protests, but unfortunately its lack of a schedule prevented much progress.
“We really needed a good secretary,” said Somerville. “I picked up Excel to keep the club running, but the rigid spreadsheet went against everything I believe in.” While the other political parties on campus found success through careful advertising and meticulous planning, the anarchists’ unquellable rage and refusal to participate in the club fair wasn’t enough to attract followers this year. According to several witnesses, the most promising member “just wants to be left alone.”
The remaining members are now disbanding the club entirely because the prospect of running an election is turning into a bureaucratic nightmare.
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"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."
"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."
"Coach, I get the game plan. When can we go out there and get this thing going?"
"As of press time, the research team reported they had gotten 'blitzed' off of $7 vodka and had just purchased tickets to a Dave Matthews reunion tour show."
“Honestly, after spending twenty minutes trying to find the Allen wrench I dropped under the couch, I’ve realized he was a terrible father."
6. My younger brother.
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.