MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS - Anarchist Club President Stephen Somerville CC ‘17 wearily resigned from his position after an eight-hour debate with his club inferiors. “I’m a leader in rejecting hierarchical power structures,” he said, before adding: “I mean, I just don’t know how to keep these fuckers organized.” For a while, the club aimed to promote dis-organization through rallies and protests, but unfortunately its lack of a schedule prevented much progress.
“We really needed a good secretary,” said Somerville. “I picked up Excel to keep the club running, but the rigid spreadsheet went against everything I believe in.” While the other political parties on campus found success through careful advertising and meticulous planning, the anarchists’ unquellable rage and refusal to participate in the club fair wasn’t enough to attract followers this year. According to several witnesses, the most promising member “just wants to be left alone.”
The remaining members are now disbanding the club entirely because the prospect of running an election is turning into a bureaucratic nightmare.
IN OTHER NEWS
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”
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