Julia Goldberg, CC ’18, recently confided to a friend that her complaints about her extremely taxing workload and academic schedule were, in fact, fabricated. “During midterms season, people just talk to other people about how nervous they are and how much work they have to do, and, as an English major, you can imagine how left out I feel. I don’t want to miss out on those bonds people forge with each other by crying about how many midterms they have this week.”
In order to combat these feelings of exclusion, Goldberg recounted using techniques like walking to Butler to study with a group of people and then ducking away at the last minute before actually entering, and loudly sighing while looking through her blank planner to demonstrate the stressful depths of her crowded schedule.
However, despite its unfortunate impact on her social life, Goldberg is still proud of her major. “I may not be slaving over problem sets every night, but I’m engaging in a process of critical thought that I find to be more taxing,” she said, hurriedly closing out of a Buzzfeed quiz entitled “Which Disney Princess Are You Based on Your McDonald’s Order?” When asked if she could recall the last time she did study in the traditional sense, Goldberg was suddenly overcome by an extreme coughing fit and was forced to remove herself from the conversation in fear of the furiously annoyed stares she received from all parts of Ref Room.
As of press time, she could be heard attempting to convince a group of SEAS students that her eyes were bleary and glazed over from a long afternoon of hitting the books, and not from watching Real Husbands of Hollywood on Netflix for five hours straight in her bed.
IN OTHER NEWS
“We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England…How could anyone still think that way after such an education?”
“I mean, I’m very socially progressive and pro-sex and everything,” Carrie’s roommate Charlotte explains, “but come on, I need to get into my room sometimes to change my shirt or take my gummy vitamins.
“Because I have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy apartment in Queens.”
“Jeffrey has shown that through determination, kindness, and avoiding all conversations about abortion and military action, General Studies students can fit right in here,” said a school representative.
“I want to be forthright. Yes, as Dining Director of John Jay, I made a deal with Big Bean, just like Ferris signed exclusivity agreements with Inedible Broccoli and Lukewarm Yogurt,” he said in a statement.
“Three weeks went by, and not a word from anyone. Just yesterday I received an email from President Bollinger telling me to ‘keep up the great work!’”, said Columbia Housing Executive Director Joyce Jackson.
Perhaps the union is being selfish. Why should their right to proper compensation and treatment as employees supercede my mild curiosity as to what would happen without TAs to proctor my exam?
“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”
In response to the news, Associate Director of Residential Life Scott Helfrich told the Federalist: “The safety of our undergraduate students is our top concern. But if students decide to act irresponsibly and binge-drink in their dorms, it isn’t our fault that they’re lightweights.”