Julia Goldberg, CC ’18, recently confided to a friend that her complaints about her extremely taxing workload and academic schedule were, in fact, fabricated. “During midterms season, people just talk to other people about how nervous they are and how much work they have to do, and, as an English major, you can imagine how left out I feel. I don’t want to miss out on those bonds people forge with each other by crying about how many midterms they have this week.”
In order to combat these feelings of exclusion, Goldberg recounted using techniques like walking to Butler to study with a group of people and then ducking away at the last minute before actually entering, and loudly sighing while looking through her blank planner to demonstrate the stressful depths of her crowded schedule.
However, despite its unfortunate impact on her social life, Goldberg is still proud of her major. “I may not be slaving over problem sets every night, but I’m engaging in a process of critical thought that I find to be more taxing,” she said, hurriedly closing out of a Buzzfeed quiz entitled “Which Disney Princess Are You Based on Your McDonald’s Order?” When asked if she could recall the last time she did study in the traditional sense, Goldberg was suddenly overcome by an extreme coughing fit and was forced to remove herself from the conversation in fear of the furiously annoyed stares she received from all parts of Ref Room.
As of press time, she could be heard attempting to convince a group of SEAS students that her eyes were bleary and glazed over from a long afternoon of hitting the books, and not from watching Real Husbands of Hollywood on Netflix for five hours straight in her bed.
IN OTHER NEWS
Y’all remember when rainbows were for finding pots of gold?
She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.”
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere.
But then came the op-eds.