Julia Goldberg, CC ’18, recently confided to a friend that her complaints about her extremely taxing workload and academic schedule were, in fact, fabricated. “During midterms season, people just talk to other people about how nervous they are and how much work they have to do, and, as an English major, you can imagine how left out I feel. I don’t want to miss out on those bonds people forge with each other by crying about how many midterms they have this week.”
In order to combat these feelings of exclusion, Goldberg recounted using techniques like walking to Butler to study with a group of people and then ducking away at the last minute before actually entering, and loudly sighing while looking through her blank planner to demonstrate the stressful depths of her crowded schedule.
However, despite its unfortunate impact on her social life, Goldberg is still proud of her major. “I may not be slaving over problem sets every night, but I’m engaging in a process of critical thought that I find to be more taxing,” she said, hurriedly closing out of a Buzzfeed quiz entitled “Which Disney Princess Are You Based on Your McDonald’s Order?” When asked if she could recall the last time she did study in the traditional sense, Goldberg was suddenly overcome by an extreme coughing fit and was forced to remove herself from the conversation in fear of the furiously annoyed stares she received from all parts of Ref Room.
As of press time, she could be heard attempting to convince a group of SEAS students that her eyes were bleary and glazed over from a long afternoon of hitting the books, and not from watching Real Husbands of Hollywood on Netflix for five hours straight in her bed.
IN OTHER NEWS
The news has been met with excitement from Columbia students, especially given that Beto acts as one of few pieces of living evidence that the Columbia Men’s Rowing Team can, in fact, produce a principled member of society.
Professors in the Columbia Department of Economics confirmed that according to their research, the only product that can be morally consumed under our current economic system is the asshole of an acquaintance.
“Got a sock,” said Montás in disbelief. “President threw it, and Montás caught it, and Montás—Montás is free.”
“I probably should have known something was up when I entered and didn’t even check in with a human, just a slimy iPad from 2008.”
“We’re going all out to ensure that every sad boi finds his sad non-gendered partner this Valentine’s Day.”
If this journey has taught me anything, it is that I mustn't change who I am to find love with a future Goldman Sachs managing director. Instead, I must transfer to Barnard. Maybe then I’ll have a better shot.
“I’m an ally. I’m trying to create a better brand for this movement, one that better complies with established grammar rules.”
“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.
The snake is reportedly cash-green and vaguely slimy-looking, with an Apple watch still attached to its body.