SIGMA PHI EPSILON - A late-night interaction on the Free & For Sale marketplace group ended in tragedy, as Nicholas Campbell CC ‘18 expressed interest in an item listed by Sarah Dawkins BC ‘20. Campbell commented“messaged” on a’ for-sale post, but ultimately neglected to contact the seller.
“It just seems pretty rude and I’m a little hurt,” said Dawkins. “I figured his comment meant that he wanted the item, or at least that we’d discuss it.”
Dawkins proceeded to question whether Campbell had any intention of initiating correspondence. “Maybe it was an empty promise all along,” she speculated.
At press time, Campbell showed little remorse over his role in the misunderstanding, and had already begun browsing other listings in Free & For Sale.
IN OTHER NEWS
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."
"I’ve been donning the turban and scepter every Halloween since I was 6 years old, after all, and it’s never brought anything but delight to every one of my friends in Greenwich, Connecticut."
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.