By Saddam Hussein
It’s hard to believe, but the year is finally over, and I don’t think I was the only one who was a little relieved when to say “Sayonara 2015!” Let’s face it. Last year wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. But fear not! A new year means a new start, and that’s why I’m here with my top 5 tips that you can use to make 2016 the best year ever.
1. Kill Your Enemies
Nothing says fresh start like making a list of enemies of the state and having them rounded up and annihilated. Have fun with it! There are plenty of ways to dispose of suppressive people beyond boring old hangings. Public executions are a great way to let off some steam, and nothing gets a crowd going like a firing squad. I also recommend having the secret police disappear your enemies in the middle of the night. People will appreciate the mystery.
2. Sell Your Oil
Now that the holidays are past us, I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling a little light in the wallet. As you’re getting ready to face the new year, it’s hard to feel enthusiastic when your finances aren’t in order. A great way to make a little extra cash for January is to sell some of your estimated 143 Billion barrels of oil. You’ll be back in business in no time.
3. Do Not Be Executed By the Iraqi Special Tribunal
I learned this one the hard way. Nothing will put a damper on the new year like being tried and executed by the Iraqi Special Tribunal. Nobody’s perfect, but believe me: if you can skip this step 2016 will go a lot smoother.
4. Set Attainable Goals, Like Brutally Suppressing Kurdish Uprisings
Year after year, we all make broad sweeping new year’s resolutions, only to give up on them a few weeks later. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve promised myself I’d stop eating processed food. Don’t even get me started on those frozen Costco Pizza Bagels! This year, skip the shame spiral and set some goals that you’ll be able to follow through on, like the violent, merciless suppression of Kurdish and Shi’a independence movements.
5. Don’t Fight With Your Son Uday Hussein
We all love our families, but there’s just something about the end of the holiday season that can put a strain on your relationship with your son Uday Hussein. If he and his gang of thugs are going to go on bizarre murderous rampages in the streets of Badghad, it might be better to just let it happen and not stress about it. You’ve got to remember that Uday was created in your own image. Allah will take care of it all.