Obama To Return To Columbia, Major In Economics

NEW YORK – Earlier this month, Columbia University President Lee Bollinger announced the Class of 2019 Convocation that President Barack Obama, CC’83, would be returning to school of General Studies in 2017 and is intending to major in economics.

Speaking alongside Bollinger on Monday, an elated Obama excitedly exclaimed, “I can’t wait to start! It’s such a great opportunity.” Without being prompted, he offered details regarding his planned course of study: “Yeah, right now the plan is econ. Part of me wants to do something crazy like Creative Writing or Middle Eastern Studies, but my parents - and the American taxpayer - are helping me pay for it so I have to be thinking about my career. Besides, I’ll have plenty of room for electives.”

In the question and answer session that followed the announcement, Obama said he would be considering rushing a frat, but noted that he did have some misgivings: “Greek life can be so lame, but then again it’s a great chance to network. I don’t know man, I think I’m gonna lay low the first semester. Dealing with the ΓΟΠ clan for eight years, I’ve kinda already had my fill of Greek life. After you play a round of pong with  Mitch McConnell, it’s hard to go back - the man hasn’t missed a bounce back since 1857.  Right now, I’m just trying to fight the registrar bureaucracy and get into Gulati’s 8:40!”