“Hello, welcome to Nightline. My name is Sandeep, how may I counsel you today?”
“Hi, yeah, I just don’t know what’s happening. I feel like I’m drowning, you know? Between the sleep deprivation and the homework, it just feels like I’m trapped. I’m in this stupid endless cycle of staying up and working during the week and then drinking myself into oblivion on the weekends. It’s getting to the point where I just can’t take it anymore and I just need someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay – ”
“Thank you for calling Nightline, please hold while I transfer you to another authorized Emotional Assistance Representative.”
Sound familiar? The above exchange is just one of many that students have had with Nightline operators after PrezBo’s recent controversial move to outsource Nightline to a call center in Delhi. Reasons cited include “more time-efficient counseling, synergistic emotional leverage, and because it’s cheaper, okay?” and have sparked a wide range of responses. When asked about the current situation, students’ responses varied from “absolutely disgusting” to the more neutral “it’s okay, I guess” to “how did you get in here?”
The overall opinion is one of sour disappointment, tinged with bitter despair and sleep deprivation. Residents have compared living at Columbia after the outsourcing to slowly drowning in a badly-mixed screwdriver.
Prezbo says the outsourcing was “for the best”, and that he has no plans to move Nightline back to being run by Columbia volunteers any time soon. He went on to state, “Anyone who has such a dependency on other people to tell them everything is okay should question whether they’re the best fit for Columbia in the first place. Now if you’ll excuse me, my toupee needs feeding.”