With Thanksgiving break right around the corner, many freshmen prepare to go home for the first time all semester, but won’t be going home empty-handed. For those naïve first-years rethinking their stances on “making it work”, now is the time when they begin their exploratory drafts on their breakup scripts. Most freshmen had the foresight to know that FaceTime dates every other day would not suffice to keep their high school relationships going strong, but for the few that believed otherwise, most of them are now ready to cut their losses.
“Finding time to relax in between problem sets can be difficult, but writing my breakup script has actually proven to be a fantastic way to decompress,” said Corbin Jacobs. “When I started dating my girlfriend four months ago, even though she goes to school in Chicago, and even though I have trouble remembering her middle name, and even though she pronounces the ‘T’ in the word often, I never thought it would come to this. I mean, half my instagram photos are with her, which is the most commitment I’ve given to anything since I applied here ED.”
In preparation of this yearly fall phenomenon, which is usually referred to as the “Turkey Dump,” many freshmen take breaks from studying in order to give them time to meticulously plan breaking the news to their high school sweethearts. Recent studies have shown that these study breaks have resulted in an increase in productivity, and have taught many students valuable lessons in time management; this newfound free time is then usually spent fantasizing about how miserable their soon-to-be-ex’s will be be without them, which is “totally what’s going to happen” said Trevor Langston. These time management skills, however, are quickly forgotten as soon as the freshmen learn what it is like to be single across the street from an all-women’s college.
“College is such a stressful time, with the misleading nature of midterms throughout the semester and what not, and sometimes I feel like I just need a break—from you” is how Lydia Hecht began her breakup script. “At first I went with the classic ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ shtick, but since I’m in college now, I thought I needed a more sophisticated way of shifting the responsibility away from me while still keeping it personally gratifying.
In reality, most of the newly single freshmen will actually experience a decrease in their sexual action, as they will sadly find out that one weekend every two and a half months is better than they can do as full-time bachelors. However, with the skills one is forced to pick up at Columbia, such as an in-depth understanding of every Greek War ever, true love can surely be just one wild Thursday night in Butler away.