RUBBLE-FILLED CRATER, SOUTHWEST CAMPUS – Coughing through the smog of envelope scraps and cardboard particulates, students awoke Sunday to the sight of a startling hole on the corner of Broadway and 114th Street. “Public Safety has concluded that the Lerner Hall disruption was caused by excess weight in student mailboxes,” read a University Emergency Management email sent to the greater Columbia community.
Lerner Hall Mail Services has declared that the concrete mound will continue to serve as the Morningside Heights campus’ mail distribution hub. “The Committee on Postal Affairs concluded a 10-year study on our mail distribution system earlier this month,” announced Joyce Furman, a University spokesperson. “The Committee’s findings show that only fifteen students opened their mailboxes each year. Despite a reasonable $50 replacement fee for our diamond-studded mail keys, 40% of students nevertheless consistently failed to even replace missing keys. In light of the old Mail Center’s disuse, we have decided that, in order to better integrate Columbia with its neighbors, we will open our new the Lerner Hall Mail Center to the public.”
Artist renderings of the new Mail Center show currently unattractive Lerner rubble overlaid with a colorful assortment of boxes and unclaimed magazines – all completely accessible to the greater Morningside Heights community. “I think it will be a nice addition to the campus,” said Sean Li, CC ’18. “After all, the mail heap is prettier than Carman.”
Students were largely pleased when they learned of Lerner’s disintegration. “I’m going to pick out a nice sunlit perch on a fallen cinderblock and read,” said Charles Brown, SEAS ’17, picking out his mail from two years ago. “Now I can study in peace without having to listen to fifteen shameless renditions of Pirates of the Caribbean by some brute in the piano lounge.”
Though some students have raised concerns about the collapse of Ferris Booth Commons, the university has offered a comprehensive plan to rectify the loss of the dining hall. “A bounty of care packages and Amazon Pantry deliveries will be ripe for the taking in the new Mail Center accumulation,” spokesperson Furman said. “This new dining experience will be a satisfying and efficient improvement.” No longer forced to wait in a fifteen-minute line just to accept the challenge of digesting a fish taco, students will have more free time to pursue their passions on campus. “This is a big boon during midterms and finals seasons,” said Chris Schwartz, CC ’18, a self-declared campus food critic. “For time-pressed students, the gently dew-marinated pages of an unclaimed People magazine are probably less dry than Ferris’ chicken, anyways.”