The Cockroach Union leaders report that not even a nuclear holocaust will stop their efforts.
Reveal concerning emotional trauma in a creative writing workshop and then cry into your professor’s arms.Read More
Hailing from St. Cloud, Minnesota, Wilson proceeded to sit down and tell his coastal friends “how darn freezing it was back home.”Read More
“Now that I am here, though I’ve faced unspeakable acts of discrimination. So far, my below-average intelligence, glossy hair, and AmEx Black in my father’s name have been enough to carry me through life. I mean, they got me into this school.”Read More
“If he isn’t the heir to a wildly successful American corporation, then why does he have so many pairs of leather Chelsea boots?”Read More
“Fuck, there’s probably more.”Read More
Quarters: Players attempt to bounce quarters into a shot glass. If they miss, they give the quarter to the nearest woman until the wage gap is closed.Read More
Though Bollinger’s age might be assumed by some to be a hindrance, The Federalist determined that its effects are mitigated by diligent and consistent work on his Core.Read More
Another new course is titled “Where’s the Gym?” The course will meet once the entire semester. Coaches will show students where the gym is.Read More
“I’ve been hitting the gym, putting myself out there socially, and overall trying to be a more well-rounded person,” said the man who within three months will be sitting alone in a dark room, masturbating and eating Marshmallow Fluff.Read More
For too long the bourgeois registrar has had its boot on the neck of the genteel undergrad, mandating that students “attend their classes,” lest they “fail” them and run the “risk” of “delaying” their “graduation”.Read More
He did decide to leave a number of his ties at home, packing only twenty-four.Read More
“I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’”Read More
“From the way he interrupted the professor repeatedly, I could tell that he had, on multiple occasions, slipped a knife into another man’s neck without remorse.”Read More
“Our studies have shown that over 84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing Crocs and socks,” said an advisor at the student life department.Read More
“As University President, I require ample space for Columbia’s mission to grow, and for me to spread out at night and read the Audi owner’s manual.”Read More
AMSTERDAM -- Principles of Economics professor Sunil Gulati, 59, was seen this morning utilizing the invisible hand of the free market to disentangle his uncomfortably-positioned testicles.
After bystander Andrew Colon ’20 witnessed Gulati “moving awkwardly from side to side, like a cowboy,” he noticed a “clear and distinct hand-like bulge going to town down there,” despite Gulati’s own two hands remaining clearly visible.
“All this time I thought the invisible hand was just a visual metaphor for the unintended social benefits of an individual’s self-interested actions,” Colon said. “It turns out that it’s so much more. I’m glad that Columbia is really showing me how concepts in the classroom affect your day-to-day life.”
Gulati denies responsibility for the testicle repositioning, insisting the genital adjustment was performed by powers outside of his control.
“The Hand was simply adjusting my ballsack to a distribution beneficial to all individual members of the community,” Gulati explained. “It is in all of our best interests that my balls do not chafe, but I do not control the Hand. I repeat, I do not control the Hand. Individuals do not control the Hand. How many times do I have to fucking explain the Hand to you people?”
Sources close to Gulati report that despite his claims, Gulati has been using the Hand for years to scratch difficult-to-reach locations on his back and tap on people’s shoulders from afar.
“For some reason, students seemed dissatisfied with our nonexistent appointment times, emotionally unavailable staff, and imposing bureaucratic system.”
I was trying to listen when you talked to me about your grandmother’s tragic passing from pneumonia, but frankly, it just didn’t draw me in.Read More
He’s also eyeing a presidential run.Read More