"I’ve never introduced myself without explicitly mentioning it: 'He/Him/His, Columbia College, Burbank, California.'"
"As of press time, the research team reported they had gotten 'blitzed' off of $7 vodka and had just purchased tickets to a Dave Matthews reunion tour show."
“Honestly, after spending twenty minutes trying to find the Allen wrench I dropped under the couch, I’ve realized he was a terrible father."
"This way, students can rest assured that even if that misdiagnosed strep throat becomes fatal, their souls will be preserved in eternal light."
6. My younger brother.
"You should see those emaciated Slavic studies fuckers on Floor Seven.”
"Because while ole Jeffy-Jeff did some pretty bad things, if we focus just on those we lose the big picture - a vibrant canvas which clearly shows that as a society, we can learn a great deal from this man."
"The two girls, who refer to themselves collectively as '704,' their room number, have begun the semester with conflicting class schedules."
"Modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality modality..."
4. Kill the author of this article.
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.
In Other News
In response to the news, Associate Director of Residential Life Scott Helfrich told the Federalist: “The safety of our undergraduate students is our top concern. But if students decide to act irresponsibly and binge-drink in their dorms, it isn’t our fault that they’re lightweights.”
Thorpe’s fingers finally gave out, breaking last week in the middle of ADP Open Mic Night. Doctors speculate that significant damage was also incurred during his favorite class, Literature and Intersectional Feminism.
In the beginning of March in her sophomore year, she has scheduled an existential meltdown about her direction in life."
Reveal concerning emotional trauma in a creative writing workshop and then cry into your professor’s arms.
Hailing from St. Cloud, Minnesota, Wilson proceeded to sit down and tell his coastal friends “how darn freezing it was back home.”
“Now that I am here, though I’ve faced unspeakable acts of discrimination. So far, my below-average intelligence, glossy hair, and AmEx Black in my father’s name have been enough to carry me through life. I mean, they got me into this school.”
“If he isn’t the heir to a wildly successful American corporation, then why does he have so many pairs of leather Chelsea boots?”
“Fuck, there’s probably more.”
Quarters: Players attempt to bounce quarters into a shot glass. If they miss, they give the quarter to the nearest woman until the wage gap is closed.