Joe began to laugh. “Who is Willy Valentini? Only the Dean of Columbia, the mad genius who keeps this whole place running!"
"After all, he was pretty sure that they have the exact same nutritional content as regular cucumbers. Probably right? Doesn't matter."
According to witnesses, the last words he uttered before chugging his sixth Bud Light and stumbling out the door were, “Imma bout to send it.”
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now."
"Also, impending North Korean nuclear annihilation."
"We wish that we had not framed our Tamagotchi as an accessory to a triple homicide so as to relieve ourselves of the responsibilities of parenthood."
"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."
"In the absence of any real personality, our midwestern students sometimes struggle to find their niche on campus, and must resort to misguidedly boasting about their native climate."
"Coach, I get the game plan. When can we go out there and get this thing going?"
"All this time I was talking about rabbis, but he was thinking about priests?”
"I’ve always been torn between my love of Gertrude Stein and weirdly shaped plants. But now I don’t have to be.”
"There were at least 90 virgins in that room, so I do feel like I got some decent value.”
In Other News
“We at The Pokémon Company recognize out unique position as possibly the only organization able to mobilize people around the world to maintain basic functionality of their bodies. In today’s society, Pokémon Literally-Just-Don’t-Kill-Yourself is the only hope of keeping people from ending it all.”
“Every journey starts with fear.”
— Jake Gyllenhaal
The list of cons is topped by, and consists exclusively of, the entrapment of my titties against the wind. Don’t we all deserve to feel that?
Y’all remember when rainbows were for finding pots of gold?
She is distraught that Joey has not responded to her calls for weeks about his care package and that nice girl from Bacchanal.
You can’t be emasculated by this guy. He’s got a ponytail, 1970s aviator glasses, and pink socks under his L. L. Bean boots.
Sixth Floor: PART OF THE COLUMBIA CS CLUB
Seventh Floor: PROFOUND AND EVERLASTING LONELINESS
Eighth Floor: WRITES FOR SPEC
For your reference, a good rule of thumb for networking is that, if Mo Bamba played in the background for 75% of our conversation, I probably don’t intend to strike up a professional relationship.
“Now, the dipshit’s gone and pissed off Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with the Thousand Young,” Core professor Ricardo Hernandez said.
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”