"Soon, sweetheart," cooed the 54-year-old professor's mother . "It'll come sooner if you fall asleep."
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"
"Wont thy scuchmachine to chinwagin me, yon the babe gosling (UUUWK kweouk UUUWK kweouk?) roasts sur the cripplecrappletendercackle and we setten."
"I personally find it to be a very spiritual journey, as I pass the same Olive Tree Deli and Columbia Barber shop my forefathers passed years ago."
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts.
In the coming months, Columbians will finally have something to fill the orange-chicken-sized hole in their hearts.
In Other News
"Does selling out count as an extracurricular?"
As of press time, the prince’s representative has clarified that going forward, His Royal Highness will “give explicit directions regarding if and how he wants any dissidents liquidized.”
“Here, It’s all about the feel and texture of the card. The plastic has to feel right in your fingers. When you know this is not a legitimate ID, it’s time to let them inside. None of that reading bullshit.”
The Federalist Paper stands — or, rather, marches — in solidarity with the Columbia University Marching Band (CUMB), our brothers and sisters in satire.
When Bollinger was later asked how this new anti-marching policy would apply to CUMB’s beloved ORGO night, he responded “I guess as long as they saunter into Butler, it should be chill.”
If you missed the description on my LinkedIn, basically what I’m doing is assisting the Vice Head Associate Partner’s Social Media Assistant at Tommy Hilfiger.
“We at The Pokémon Company recognize out unique position as possibly the only organization able to mobilize people around the world to maintain basic functionality of their bodies. In today’s society, Pokémon Literally-Just-Don’t-Kill-Yourself is the only hope of keeping people from ending it all.”
“Every journey starts with fear.”
— Jake Gyllenhaal
The list of cons is topped by, and consists exclusively of, the entrapment of my titties against the wind. Don’t we all deserve to feel that?