"Take a little bird bath with her? Don’t mind if I do.”
"A couple people even took the fliers I printed out in Butler this morning, so I think the word is really starting to get out.”
“You set out thinking you’ll check one quick fact, and before you know it, you’re asking yourself, ‘Hmm, what is brutalism really?’"
“Those residents will be thanking us once they’ve tasted their first salad from Sweetgreen.”
"If I need to choose between cultural sensitivity and blacking out in an 'I Put the Double D’s in St. Paddy’s Day' crop top, pour me a shot.”
"Asked what other things he liked about McKinsey, Johnstone said, 'Well, it’s the best one. Like it’s on Forbes and shit.'”
"If only Trump and Muslim refugees could sit down at the negotiating table and enjoy a bowl of Pizza Twist Macaroni..."
“I even moved some girl’s warm bra and panties to check for my virginity underneath...but it was nowhere to be found."
"I didn’t choose to want to fuck Paul Ryan. It’s just the way I am."
“I’m not asking for much. I mean, don’t be so stingy! A small $50,000 gift will suffice to give my Audi a 6-inch lift.”
"It may be hard work, but we will never stop policing injustices as long as doing so draws attention to our social media presence.”