"Program participants will receive an engraved Brown University bong, readily available for purchase at the university bookstore for $39.95."
"Governor Reuben won a landslide victory to become the state’s first Toasted-American governor."
"I always just assumed I would work at Morgan Stanley, but recently I’ve been dreaming about McKinsey.”
“Let’s not mince words: the students at this school are fugly."
The study found that "no genitalia" also discouraged intercourse.
“If Mother Teresa can be a saint, so can this sandwich."
Activism by any means possible.
"If anything, data suggests that these little fuckers are actually getting dumber with every passing year.”
"Sorry to disappoint, Mom, but I’m not just some fucking sell-out conformist like you!"
"Remember the fallen comrades in classes with an undergraduate-determined curve."
Moving one’s bowels is like real estate—it’s all about location, location, location!
"Without a trigger warning, we have no way of knowing when a British journalist is about to have his guts spilled out onto the desert floor."
"There are still some holdouts who experience brief moments of fleeting happiness."
"The New Yorker spells out for me exactly how I should behave and what I should desire."
"Past tweets included personal attacks on Washington officials, celebrities, and random citizens from Indiana..."
"I’m sure this news will be met with disappointment."
“Taking flight using only the motion of your penis is really all about confidence."
"Fitness freaks won’t ever have the determination needed to sustain my BMI."
Look! It's a cloud of buzz words!
"It is not just a pathetic excuse for a meal; it is an affront to the values upheld by our well-nourished Founding Fathers."
"I don’t pay nearly $70,000 a year to go more than a week without being offended."
Gorsuch is the first Fed alumnus to land a job interview.
"Like, although I wasn’t thrilled about it, I got Obamacare because the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t have dental insurance."