Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"This is a sign. I'm really going to graduate at the top of my class!" proclaimed pre-frosh Ji Hong Lee, mere months before he will pitch a sad, little tent in Riverside Park.
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”