"The kid’s forehead looks like the goddamned Gulf.”
“The only way to lure the cats was to offer them what they sought: easy and average-looking guys,” Animal Control said.
“Let’s just say I have a feeling we’ll be getting an awful lot of press,” spokesman Moshe Feinberg said with a wink.
"These Halloween costumes ignore the things deeper than our skin, like high levels of thirst and lower-than-average standards."
"I can’t imagine that anyone reasonable would think that it’d be acceptable for my organs to help some Six."
The change will afford him the opportunity to enroll in GS full-time.
“We’ve just been tossing them in the dumpster on 111th.”
He has yet to figure out how to resize the GIF without decreasing the resolution to 200 pixels.
“Once you’ve seen the world, you can’t stay in one place for long.”
"A lot of people might not understand the my transition."
Despite the imminence of the final debate, Trump was reportedly grumbling in the car the whole way, throwing his fists and kicking the seat in front of him.
"The effort is honestly impressive."
"You can imagine how left out I feel."
"It's really inspiring to see someone take this kind of personal risk to stand up for their beliefs."
We've surveyed all of the election endorsements on campus.
"I found that I could only feel comfortable with the tip of my nose resting snugly in my sphincter."
"Maybe it was an empty promise all along."
"When I realized the motive behind the feces, I was astonished by its brilliance."
On the other hand, children of floorcest "have a huge leg up on admissions."
"This definitely isn't targeted at a particular candidate," RNC Chairman Reince Priebus says.
"We weren't sure if he was concealing a weapon or just a balloon animal. We couldn't take the risk."
What a time saver.
"Mom, I mean Liz, really helps me manage my time and always brings the best snacks."
"Don't bother shopping for corrective lenses - they're ableist."
"I have the right to a real job, a job suited to an adult who made better life choices than I did."
No Republican has won the presidency without winning America's left nut.
The freshman dropped "some unreal knowledge bombs."
Someone should really tell the protesters on Low Steps today.
"The worst part is he’s probably going to half-ass it anyways.”
"If you come across him, the most important thing is that you remain calm and contact Public Safety."