December 2015

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BREAKING: Finals Dawn On Columbia
BREAKING: Finals Dawn On Columbia

Good luck on finals.

Santa To Give Only One Present After Sleighline Charges Him For Carry-Ons
Santa To Give Only One Present After Sleighline Charges Him For Carry-Ons

He also forgot his toothbrush, so make sure to tell your children to leave him one.

Hefty Christmas Shopping Puts Santa In Crippling Credit Card Debt
Hefty Christmas Shopping Puts Santa In Crippling Credit Card Debt

Due to budget cuts, management will have to outsource his workshop to China.

Contract Negotiation Protests Make Elf Union Delay Christmas
Contract Negotiation Protests Make Elf Union Delay Christmas

End the war on socially just Christmas!

Angry Barnard Students Burn Down Frat Row
Angry Barnard Students Burn Down Frat Row

"I deplore violence in all forms - except cathartic, patriarchy-consuming flames."

Trump Tells Santa to Put Muslims on Naughty List
Trump Tells Santa to Put Muslims on Naughty List

He's urging Santa to check his database twice.

Home For Break, Barnard Student Realizes She Has Surpassed Family In Intelligence, Pretentiousness
Home For Break, Barnard Student Realizes She Has Surpassed Family In Intelligence, Pretentiousness

"They don't even know what non-corporatized coffee tastes like at home!"

Facebook User Still Bitter About Redesign of 2008
Facebook User Still Bitter About Redesign of 2008

"A little part of me died along with my wall."

Martin O'Malley Remembers Martin O'Malley Is Running For President During Debate
Martin O'Malley Remembers Martin O'Malley Is Running For President During Debate

He was still making up his mind between Hillary and Bernie while tuning into Saturday's debate from his podium.

A Declaration of the Immediate Causes that Induce and Justify Graduate Student Confederation
A Declaration of the Immediate Causes that Induce and Justify Graduate Student Confederation

By General Lee Bollinger

Tulane University Expanded To Fourlane University Due To Congestion Concerns
Tulane University Expanded To Fourlane University Due To Congestion Concerns

Once construction begins, Tulane will change its mascot from a pelican to a crane.

Michelangelo’s David Claims He's A "Grower, Not A Shower"
Michelangelo’s David Claims He's A "Grower, Not A Shower"

"There weren't exactly water heaters back then."

 

Ted Cruz Sprains Back After Taking Huge Leap In Iowa Polls
Ted Cruz Sprains Back After Taking Huge Leap In Iowa Polls

At least we know Ted Cruz has a spine, after all.

Columbia Is Too Hard For A Baby
Columbia Is Too Hard For A Baby

I don't think I have to tell you that making it through midterms with diaper rash is hell on Earth.

Activist Urologist Says, "Check Your Privilege, Also Your Nuts"
Activist Urologist Says, "Check Your Privilege, Also Your Nuts"

One doctor is staging a ballsy protest against the patriarchy.

Columbia Displays CC Instructor Race On Course Directory
Columbia Displays CC Instructor Race On Course Directory

Taking CC with a non-white professor also counts towards your Global Core requirement.

Fed Editor-In-Chief Goes Missing From Her Home In JJs
Fed Editor-In-Chief Goes Missing From Her Home In JJs

Please be vigilant for this unfortunately well-nourished junior.

Columbia Adopts Common Core
Columbia Adopts Common Core

It will replace No Athlete Left Behind.

Track Team Plagued By Race Issues
Track Team Plagued By Race Issues

They're actually ranked by their race!

International Briefing: Middle Eastern Public Radio Launches Kuwait Kuwait Don't Tell Me
International Briefing: Middle Eastern Public Radio Launches Kuwait Kuwait Don't Tell Me

The program is scheduled to follow Qatar Talk.

Conquistadors Recolonize Columbia's Discourse
Conquistadors Recolonize Columbia's Discourse

Hernan Cortes dissolved all social justice on Wednesday in a flawless Westchester accent.

A Letter From the New Night Manager of M2M
A Letter From the New Night Manager of M2M

I'm scared, I'm lonely, and if I have to tell someone that I don't know where the dried seaweed is one more time, I think I'm going to lose my mind.