"I'm submitting my piece into the veritable marketplace of ideas, where everyone will applaud me for my bravery and insight."
"I know I shouldn't, but those mozzarella sticks are so damn good."
Beware: anyone who approaches Alphadouchies will likely succumb to verbal abuse rooted in insecurities.
“I don’t need your pity. But I do need you to buy this pan flute CD for $5.”
“She said she had sent me a package, and I thought it was going to be some flip-flops or a swimsuit or some shit like that."
“When my friends reference the song, I just laugh and pretend like I get it."
"I’m starting to miss the familiar, raw sting of alcohol funneling into my rectum."
“We all look the same except for that one brunette, but usually we make her take the photo anyways, so we should be fine."
"To all those people who revel in moist novels like Infinite Jest and scoff at bony novellas like Of Mice and Men, this list is for you."
"In the future, we will work harder to ensure that students cannot understand anything from the lectures or notes."
"Why go to the bathroom when I can relieve myself right in the NoCo chair I’ve nested in for the past 13 days?”
"I really can’t tell if he’s just being friendly, or wants to tie me up and slather me in some homemade barbecue sauce."
"He also harassed passing male pigeons, asking if they would be his wing men."
"I mean, it's definitely a tough situation they've got over there."
"The great thing about this program is that it’s in English, so I won’t have to waste any time learning a language I’ll never use."
“I’ve done a lot of research and all the movies show that fat shaming is the most effective way to make those little bastards lose a few pounds.”
"Needless to say, somebody’s getting an A in participation.”
"According to authorities, Crowthers timed her exit of the gym perfectly with the early rush of students harmlessly making their way to 8:40 classes across campus."
"We've got to get him out of there."
“Why would you wake up on a Saturday to go look at some big-ass dinosaur?"
"Finally, I will be able to experience the sensation I’ve so far only been able to shabbily imitate with an Oculus Rift and six inches of metal piping."
"He’s deep, he’s sensitive, he’s intellectual, and he’s the only person on this campus who TRULY appreciates the Smiths.”
"It’s typically expected that those of a more conservative persuasion will look towards some one-room schoolhouse on the prairie, like Dartmouth.”
"Foolishly, Paul spent the entire interaction hoping that you would eventually answer his 'How are you doing today?'"
"I pray that my other students will follow Ronald’s example and one day fulfill the classes’ minimum requirement themselves.”
“It’s important to understand the foundations of our culture, but it’s more important to understand the foundations of the culture that is about to dominate ours.”