"A notification on my computer, with those 5 accursed words in the subject line: RE: Clery Crime Alert - Robbery. James McShane knew. James McShane did this."
"They’ve even started making sure that new pledges play FIFA, just to correct the mistake that I am."
"I don't know how to explain it. Just looking at the advanced data, I felt really confident that Vladimir Putin was going to be the next President of Russia."
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
“I WILL NOT LIVE IN MCBAIN, KATHERINE, I DON’T CARE WHERE YOUR BOYFRIEND’S SUITE IS.”
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"Hey Dad, it's me - Brian. Would you potentially be free later this week for a coffee chat?"
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"His name is Poncho Firedust, and I need him to feel safe," demanded the 67-year-old chemistry professor.
“Admitting Frank into the undergraduate body goes against this university's principles. That kid fucking sucks.”
In Other News
Reveal concerning emotional trauma in a creative writing workshop and then cry into your professor’s arms.
Hailing from St. Cloud, Minnesota, Wilson proceeded to sit down and tell his coastal friends “how darn freezing it was back home.”
“Now that I am here, though I’ve faced unspeakable acts of discrimination. So far, my below-average intelligence, glossy hair, and AmEx Black in my father’s name have been enough to carry me through life. I mean, they got me into this school.”
“If he isn’t the heir to a wildly successful American corporation, then why does he have so many pairs of leather Chelsea boots?”
“Fuck, there’s probably more.”
Quarters: Players attempt to bounce quarters into a shot glass. If they miss, they give the quarter to the nearest woman until the wage gap is closed.
Though Bollinger’s age might be assumed by some to be a hindrance, The Federalist determined that its effects are mitigated by diligent and consistent work on his Core.
Another new course is titled “Where’s the Gym?” The course will meet once the entire semester. Coaches will show students where the gym is.
“I’ve been hitting the gym, putting myself out there socially, and overall trying to be a more well-rounded person,” said the man who within three months will be sitting alone in a dark room, masturbating and eating Marshmallow Fluff.