"A notification on my computer, with those 5 accursed words in the subject line: RE: Clery Crime Alert - Robbery. James McShane knew. James McShane did this."
"They’ve even started making sure that new pledges play FIFA, just to correct the mistake that I am."
"I don't know how to explain it. Just looking at the advanced data, I felt really confident that Vladimir Putin was going to be the next President of Russia."
"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"
“I WILL NOT LIVE IN MCBAIN, KATHERINE, I DON’T CARE WHERE YOUR BOYFRIEND’S SUITE IS.”
You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."
"Hey Dad, it's me - Brian. Would you potentially be free later this week for a coffee chat?"
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"
"His name is Poncho Firedust, and I need him to feel safe," demanded the 67-year-old chemistry professor.
“Admitting Frank into the undergraduate body goes against this university's principles. That kid fucking sucks.”
In Other News
“The union representative also strongly urged the purchase of 2-liters of Coca-Cola, Sierra Mist, and Hi-C Tropical Punch for each party.”
“A second location is already being planned atop the heap of Fleetwood Mac CD’s forming 100 yards away.”
“What are we going to do about it? Well, first of all, stay out of the tunnels. We cannot stress enough how horny these Super Bats are.”
A Fed article by Sappho.
ANTH4001: HE’S GOT YOUR EYES: BASTARD CHILDREN AND BEYOND: Topics covered will include: burner phones, child support, contraceptive methods, and Zoloft.
At press time, a similar ceremony is being planned for the namesake of Uris Deli; the infamous New York railroad tycoon, Uris J. Deli.
“The tradition of shiny-headed baldness among our sandwich makers is a long and storied one at Milano Market."
“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”