HOT OFF THE PRESS
Donald Trump may not know anything about Namibia, but he’s not going to forget the way President Geingob paired this bold vertical-striped suit with that diagonally-striped tie and pocket square.
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.
"Society makes people bad, but more like, cheat-on-your-spouse bad – not Sean-level bad."
Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"This is a sign. I'm really going to graduate at the top of my class!" proclaimed pre-frosh Ji Hong Lee, mere months before he will pitch a sad, little tent in Riverside Park.
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.
Another new course is titled “Where’s the Gym?” The course will meet once the entire semester. Coaches will show students where the gym is.
“I’ve been hitting the gym, putting myself out there socially, and overall trying to be a more well-rounded person,” said the man who within three months will be sitting alone in a dark room, masturbating and eating Marshmallow Fluff.
For too long the bourgeois registrar has had its boot on the neck of the genteel undergrad, mandating that students “attend their classes,” lest they “fail” them and run the “risk” of “delaying” their “graduation”.
He did decide to leave a number of his ties at home, packing only twenty-four.
“I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’”
“From the way he interrupted the professor repeatedly, I could tell that he had, on multiple occasions, slipped a knife into another man’s neck without remorse.”
“Our studies have shown that over 84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing Crocs and socks,” said an advisor at the student life department.
“As University President, I require ample space for Columbia’s mission to grow, and for me to spread out at night and read the Audi owner’s manual.”