HOT OFF THE PRESS
“Three weeks went by, and not a word from anyone. Just yesterday I received an email from President Bollinger telling me to ‘keep up the great work!’”, said Columbia Housing Executive Director Joyce Jackson.
Hailing from St. Cloud, Minnesota, Wilson proceeded to sit down and tell his coastal friends “how darn freezing it was back home.”
“I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’”
“From the way he interrupted the professor repeatedly, I could tell that he had, on multiple occasions, slipped a knife into another man’s neck without remorse.”
“Our studies have shown that over 84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing Crocs and socks,” said an advisor at the student life department.
“As University President, I require ample space for Columbia’s mission to grow, and for me to spread out at night and read the Audi owner’s manual.”
“For some reason, students seemed dissatisfied with our nonexistent appointment times, emotionally unavailable staff, and imposing bureaucratic system.”
“Going to school in Manhattan guarantees a jam-packed schedule of posing for group pictures, spending $300 on bottle service, and Juuling on the Le Bain terrace.”
“You mean I can get a degree for talking about kicking it with the boys, crushing a few brews, maybe even hitting the gym?”
As of press time, the prince’s representative has clarified that going forward, His Royal Highness will “give explicit directions regarding if and how he wants any dissidents liquidized.”
“Here, It’s all about the feel and texture of the card. The plastic has to feel right in your fingers. When you know this is not a legitimate ID, it’s time to let them inside. None of that reading bullshit.”
The Federalist Paper stands — or, rather, marches — in solidarity with the Columbia University Marching Band (CUMB), our brothers and sisters in satire.
When Bollinger was later asked how this new anti-marching policy would apply to CUMB’s beloved ORGO night, he responded “I guess as long as they saunter into Butler, it should be chill.”
If you missed the description on my LinkedIn, basically what I’m doing is assisting the Vice Head Associate Partner’s Social Media Assistant at Tommy Hilfiger.
“We at The Pokémon Company recognize out unique position as possibly the only organization able to mobilize people around the world to maintain basic functionality of their bodies. In today’s society, Pokémon Literally-Just-Don’t-Kill-Yourself is the only hope of keeping people from ending it all.”
“Every journey starts with fear.”
— Jake Gyllenhaal
The list of cons is topped by, and consists exclusively of, the entrapment of my titties against the wind. Don’t we all deserve to feel that?