HOT OFF THE PRESS
"If anything, data suggests that these little fuckers are actually getting dumber with every passing year.”
"Sorry to disappoint, Mom, but I’m not just some fucking sell-out conformist like you!"
"Remember the fallen comrades in classes with an undergraduate-determined curve."
Moving one’s bowels is like real estate—it’s all about location, location, location!
"Without a trigger warning, we have no way of knowing when a British journalist is about to have his guts spilled out onto the desert floor."
"Past tweets included personal attacks on Washington officials, celebrities, and random citizens from Indiana..."
"I’m sure this news will be met with disappointment."
“Taking flight using only the motion of your penis is really all about confidence."
"Fitness freaks won’t ever have the determination needed to sustain my BMI."
Look! It's a cloud of buzz words!
LATEST ON THE FEED
“Those residents will be thanking us once they’ve tasted their first salad from Sweetgreen.”
"If I need to choose between cultural sensitivity and blacking out in an 'I Put the Double D’s in St. Paddy’s Day' crop top, pour me a shot.”
"Asked what other things he liked about McKinsey, Johnstone said, 'Well, it’s the best one. Like it’s on Forbes and shit.'”
"If only Trump and Muslim refugees could sit down at the negotiating table and enjoy a bowl of Pizza Twist Macaroni..."
“I even moved some girl’s warm bra and panties to check for my virginity underneath...but it was nowhere to be found."
"I didn’t choose to want to fuck Paul Ryan. It’s just the way I am."
“I’m not asking for much. I mean, don’t be so stingy! A small $50,000 gift will suffice to give my Audi a 6-inch lift.”
"It may be hard work, but we will never stop policing injustices as long as doing so draws attention to our social media presence.”
"Program participants will receive an engraved Brown University bong, readily available for purchase at the university bookstore for $39.95."
"Governor Reuben won a landslide victory to become the state’s first Toasted-American governor."
"I always just assumed I would work at Morgan Stanley, but recently I’ve been dreaming about McKinsey.”
“Let’s not mince words: the students at this school are fugly."
The study found that "no genitalia" also discouraged intercourse.
“If Mother Teresa can be a saint, so can this sandwich."
Activism by any means possible.
"There are still some holdouts who experience brief moments of fleeting happiness."