Columbia's Only Newspaper That Is Still A Swing Voter
HOT OFF THE PRESS
"I have the right to a real job, a job suited to an adult who made better life choices than I did."
No Republican has won the presidency without winning America's left nut.
The freshman dropped "some unreal knowledge bombs."
Someone should really tell the protesters on Low Steps today.
"The worst part is he’s probably going to half-ass it anyways.”
"If you come across him, the most important thing is that you remain calm and contact Public Safety."
The remaining members are disbanding the club entirely because running an election would be a nightmare.
"The health inspector finds fecal bacteria on your counter once and your future is tanked.”
"We want to ensure that all students feel welcome, regardless of which part of speech they feel the strongest connection to."
He didn't even manage to grab any free swag.
LATEST ON THE FEED
Despite the imminence of the final debate, Trump was reportedly grumbling in the car the whole way, throwing his fists and kicking the seat in front of him.
"You can imagine how left out I feel."
"It's really inspiring to see someone take this kind of personal risk to stand up for their beliefs."
We've surveyed all of the election endorsements on campus.
"I found that I could only feel comfortable with the tip of my nose resting snugly in my sphincter."
"Maybe it was an empty promise all along."
"When I realized the motive behind the feces, I was astonished by its brilliance."
On the other hand, children of floorcest "have a huge leg up on admissions."
"This definitely isn't targeted at a particular candidate," RNC Chairman Reince Priebus says.
"We weren't sure if he was concealing a weapon or just a balloon animal. We couldn't take the risk."
What a time saver.
"Mom, I mean Liz, really helps me manage my time and always brings the best snacks."
"Don't bother shopping for corrective lenses - they're ableist."