HOT OFF THE PRESS
"Columbia prides itself in taking the financial needs of its students very seriously.”
“I haven’t been this embarrassed since the ‘National Treasure’ sequel came out.”
"These kids are fat little bastards.”
These pups are cute, cuddly, and passionate about collective bargaining!
Does this sweatshirt say, "My Parents Spent $200,000 on a Secondary Education" to you?
"I could literally see him objectify me as he explained Planck’s constant."
White parents’ pride is proven to improve their children’s self-confidence, sometimes to the point of delusion.
It's operating on a $500 million grant from the Every Woman On Earth Foundation.
"Once you get hooked, it isn’t long before you’re dropping all your breakfast swipes on drinkable yogurt."
"It’s more of a gut feeling, or an art --though knowing their SAT scores never hurts.”
LATEST ON THE FEED
"I used to do a ten second plank every morning, but I had to cut that in half so I could have enough time to sleep."
"This is a beautiful connection between a man, a man, a man, another man, a woman, and me, and you need to get the fuck out."
Columbia’s free-range adjuncts will be ethically sourced from a farm upstate.
They insist that "he could do better" than his ugly GPA.
"Apparently, you can only get in if you bring two girls with you.”
“We’ve made a 10-part slideshow to explain the school’s decision, and it will BLOW. YOUR. MIND.”
Looking for a way to procrastinate?
Not all heroes wear capes.
It shattered all the records.
“We’re putting boots on the ground, and we’re putting bells on those boots.”
"The way people go on and on about it, you’d think it was the second coming of Christ."
"How better to show them my support?”
On some occasions, she pays her creative writing major friend $20 a day to sit in for her.
Good luck on finals.
“I don’t really have anything else going on.”