HOT OFF THE PRESS
"I know I shouldn't, but those mozzarella sticks are so damn good."
Beware: anyone who approaches Alphadouchies will likely succumb to verbal abuse rooted in insecurities.
“I don’t need your pity. But I do need you to buy this pan flute CD for $5.”
“She said she had sent me a package, and I thought it was going to be some flip-flops or a swimsuit or some shit like that."
“When my friends reference the song, I just laugh and pretend like I get it."
"I’m starting to miss the familiar, raw sting of alcohol funneling into my rectum."
“We all look the same except for that one brunette, but usually we make her take the photo anyways, so we should be fine."
"To all those people who revel in moist novels like Infinite Jest and scoff at bony novellas like Of Mice and Men, this list is for you."
"In the future, we will work harder to ensure that students cannot understand anything from the lectures or notes."
"Why go to the bathroom when I can relieve myself right in the NoCo chair I’ve nested in for the past 13 days?”
LATEST ON THE FEED
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."
“We water the soil with broken dreams, fertilize it with internship offers, and voila, out they come.”
"'Bucko’, ‘champ’, ‘squirt’, ‘Ralph Waldo Emerson’ and even ‘slutbag’ have been names used by Mr. Connelly to refer to his son."
"When I finally ran into her standing in sweatpants and a boring green cardigan in front of Butler, she just looked like a mere mortal."
Flipping water bottles doesn’t need to oppress women like it does now.
1. Stimulate James McShane to near ecstasy at the mere mention of “theft alert.”
Learn a thing or two from the Fed's wisest.
“I’m getting real tired of this salad shit. Can someone drop me a fucking burger?”
"That little mutt has been dead as a doornail for years."