HOT OFF THE PRESS
"I know I shouldn't, but those mozzarella sticks are so damn good."
Beware: anyone who approaches Alphadouchies will likely succumb to verbal abuse rooted in insecurities.
“I don’t need your pity. But I do need you to buy this pan flute CD for $5.”
“She said she had sent me a package, and I thought it was going to be some flip-flops or a swimsuit or some shit like that."
“When my friends reference the song, I just laugh and pretend like I get it."
"I’m starting to miss the familiar, raw sting of alcohol funneling into my rectum."
“We all look the same except for that one brunette, but usually we make her take the photo anyways, so we should be fine."
"To all those people who revel in moist novels like Infinite Jest and scoff at bony novellas like Of Mice and Men, this list is for you."
"In the future, we will work harder to ensure that students cannot understand anything from the lectures or notes."
"Why go to the bathroom when I can relieve myself right in the NoCo chair I’ve nested in for the past 13 days?”
LATEST ON THE FEED
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."
"This is a sign. I'm really going to graduate at the top of my class!" proclaimed pre-frosh Ji Hong Lee, mere months before he will pitch a sad, little tent in Riverside Park.
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job.
While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he said.
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last dry Lo Mein under the heating lamp?’”
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer."
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."
"These people don’t speak English and no one here has watched Stranger Things."
"President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s 'lack of transparency' and 'ethics concerns' as incongruous with the university’s vision."